The Worst Little Sister Ever

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Author’s Note: This story is in no way intended to be realistic. It takes place in a silly sitcom cartoon world, and the characters are silly sitcom cartoon people. Thank you for reading.

Now

I meet my sister Danielle at the bottom of the stairs. She’s wearing a tight white punk band t-shirt, a short black leather skirt, and a silver nose ring. Her dyed-red, naturally chestnut-colored neck-length hair is in pigtails, and her dark-red-painted lips are arranged in a mischievous smile. But underneath that veneer, I can see signs of worry.

“Seriously, babe?” I ask her, sighing deeply. “You’re wearing this?”

Danielle grins, grabbing my arm and reaching up to kiss me lightly on the cheek — at 5’3″, my sister is almost a head shorter than me. “What’s wrong with what I’m wearing?” she asks. “You can’t seem to take your eyes off me.”

“That’s the problem,” I say. “I thought you were going to dress — you know, conservatively for this conversation. The goal is to avoid pissing Mom and Dad off by not having them picture us… uh…”

“Fucking?” my sister asks helpfully.

“Exactly,” I say, sighing deeply. “But right now, anybody who sees you would immediately think of sex. You look like some kind of goth emo whore.”

Danielle’s eyebrows slash downward, and she wrinkles her nose. “That’s mean, big brother,” she says. “Why are you always so mean?” She pinches my upper arm, hard.

“Ow!” I holler. “What the hell, Stupidbutt?” I respond by poking her in the shoulder, to which she retaliates by punching me three times in the side.

“God damn it!” I holler. “You are such a brat!”

“You started it,” Danielle smirks, pinching me again.

“Kids!” Dad shouts from the dining room, two rooms over. “I thought it was you two who called this family meeting! Can you two stop bickering for long enough to come in here and tell us what it’s about?”

“Come on, let’s hurry up,” I tell her. “Before they get even angrier at us.”

“First, tell me you’re sorry for calling your sister a goth emo whore,” Danielle demands.

“I didn’t say you were one, I said you looked like –“

Danielle gives me an evil glare. I roll my eyes.

“Fine,” I say, “I’m sorry. Now let’s face our parents like grown-ups.”

Danielle and I stride into the dining room, where Mom and Dad are seated next to each other at the table. Both of them are in their early forties. Mom has the same chestnut hair that Danielle and I naturally possess, and is currently wearing a poodle skirt and a cashmere sweater. She’s bubbly and quirky, and the owner of a local thrift store. Dad is a stout, muscular prosecuting attorney with about the personality you’d expect from someone with that job. He shares his green eyes with Danielle and I, but not much else. We, their two children, face them down. Now is the moment of truth. I start to open my mouth, but Danielle beats me to it:

“Mom, Dad, we’re pregnant.”

There’s a moment’s pause. Then Dad bellows, “You’re kidding me,” and Mom gasps.

“You mean… you mean you’re pregnant, right?” she asks, after a few seconds have gone by. “Who… who is the father?”

Danielle shakes her head, betraying no shame. “No,” she insists. “We. As in, me and August. He’s the dad. We’re in love with each other, and we don’t care that we’re siblings.”

A long, awkward silence. Dad looks like he’s going to explode, while Mom still acts as if we’re speaking Chinese. No one said this was going to be easy.

“No,” grumbles Dad, staring down at the tabletop. “No, this isn’t possible. For one thing, you two hate each other. You’re always bickering.”

“Oh, we hate each other all right, we just happen to love each other even more,” chirps Danielle, as if there’s nothing that’s at all strange about this arrangement. “You tell them, big bro-bro.”

I shift my feet awkwardly. Danielle has always been the more open, extraverted one of us, while I tend to hide my true feelings. But right now I have no choice. “I love her,” I say simply. “Don’t get me wrong, she still annoys the hell out of me, and a lot of time when she opens her mouth I immediately wish she’d close it. She’s the worst little sister ever. But, she’s also my soulmate. Those things aren’t contradictory, they reinforce each other, and I can’t imagine ever being with anyone else.” Danielle beams up at me, seemingly pleased by my little speech.

“But… but…” says Mom, who seems stuck in the “denial” stage. “You can’t possibly have the baby, right? August, you’re still a year from graduating from your university, and Danielle, you start community college in a month. How far along are you with the pregnancy, dear?”

Danielle grins. “A little over two months,” she says proudly. “I’ve just started to get a little bump, can you tell?”

“Oh, thank God,” says Dad. “That means you can still get an abortion.”

If I’d thought Danielle was mad when I said she looked like a whore, it’s nothing compared to now. Her hands go on her hips, her nostrils artemisbet yeni giriş become little slits of anger, and her face contorts viciously. It almost looks like there’s steam rising out of her ears. “I am not having an abortion, do you understand me!” she shouts. “Me and big bro-bro are going to raise this kid together, and probably do a better job than you two freaks did with us! Because we’re in love, capeesh? We don’t care if it’s wrong! We don’t care if we aren’t old enough! We don’t care if we share the same parents and half the same DNA! We were born to be together!”

Danielle grabs me by the shoulders and we start making out passionately. My lips smoosh against hers and her tongue enters my mouth, searching as if to find some hidden secret that we siblings share. I can feel her heartbeat as my sister’s firm D-cup boobs press against my chest, and I reach down and give her fine ass a little squeeze. We hear Mom and Dad gasp in horror, but right now isn’t time for thinking about them, it’s exclusively Danielle’s and my time as siblings and lovers. Finally, after almost a minute, we pull away from each other, our matching green eyes still gazing into each other and a long bead of saliva connecting our mouths like the line on the family tree that will soon connect us as lovers as well as brother and sister.

We turn back to our parents. Their mouths are hanging open. It takes them a while to regain their ability to communicate, but it’s Mom who speaks first.

“How… how did this start?” she asks meekly.

Danielle grins. “Well, I’m not sure you want to know the whole story…”

Ten weeks ago

“Listen up, big bro-bro,” said Danielle, barging into my room in the middle of a Friday afternoon in early June. She was in the middle of eating a donut, and getting crumbs everywhere. My little sister could be so gross and careless sometimes. “Brett Havermeyer is coming over tonight to watch a movie with me, and I’m looking to score, so stay out of the living room or I’ll kill you, got it?”

I fake-vomited in disgust. I’d arrived home from my junior year of college a month ago, and there were plenty of things I hated about being back in my parents’ old house, but

was undoubtably having to deal with the worst little sister in the world. I was so jealous of my friends who had siblings who were cute, cool or at least not constantly insulting them. I couldn’t wait until it was August and I could head back to college.

“Don’t be weird, Stupidbutt,” I said. (Stupidbutt has been my nickname for Danielle since we were kids. It refers to how she’s stupid and has a big butt, rather than how her butt itself is stupid, which would be impossible.) “I don’t give a shit what you do tonight, but I don’t need to hear about it, okay? Plus, there’s no way Brett is into you.” Maybe this sounded harsh, but Brett Havermeyer had been a couple years younger than me in high school, and he was crazy-popular, captain of the soccer team and class salutatorian. He was also objectively a handsome man, and could probably have the pick of the girls in his and Danielle’s class. Meanwhile, everyone thought of my little sister as a bitch and a freak; she was even less popular than I had been when I was in high school. I was pretty sure she’d never had a boyfriend, she was almost certainly still a virgin. No way was Brett coming over. It’d be like the President of the United States asking a homeless person out for coffee.

“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” my sister said, huffing and folding her arms. She was wearing a green hoodie and no pants at all, just a pair of lime-green panties that were dimly visible beneath her long sweatshirt. Gross, I thought. My sister wasn’t fat, but she wasn’t super skinny either, and right now I pretty much had a full view of her lower body. “I’m funny, I’m cool. I’ve grown up a lot while you’ve been away at college, big bro-bro, and even if you aren’t paying attention, Brett is. You know we made out at prom, right?”

“No,” I said. “Also, yuck.”

“It was a little yuck, because he was drunk and threw up right afterwards, but he’s hot as shit, so who cares?” Danielle asked. “Before I left, I asked him if he wanted to come over when my parents were gone, and he said yes. This is probably my last chance to find love in high school, so don’t screw it up for me!”

Oh, Christ. In addition to being a totally annoying brat, my sister had a tendency to get overly attached, and imagine that any guy who looked at her for more than a second wanted to be her boyfriend. I was about to tell Danielle what I thought the likelihood of that was with Brett when we were interrupted.

“Kids!” Dad bellowed from downstairs. “We’re about to head out! Could you come down here for a second?”

“Just a minute, Dad!” Danielle and I shouted together, then exchanged a hateful glare. I’d do anything to get out of the house tonight and not have to put up with my sister, but the reality was I didn’t have much artemisbet giriş for friends in my hometown anymore. Mark was taking the summer to backpack across Europe (I was too poor to afford to join him), and Tim and Jasmine had internships at their college in Chicago. I was pretty much stuck staying in and trying to ignore my sister’s sad love life as best I could.

Danielle and I tramped downstairs, going back-and-forth elbowing each other in irritation several times before reaching the front porch. Mom and Dad were standing there, suitcases in hand, all dressed up for their stay in the fancy hotel they’d spent their honeymoon night in, twenty-two years ago today. There was a decent chance I was conceived in that hotel, I realized, then immediately tried to banish the image from my mind.

“You two had better not burn the place down while we’re gone,” Dad grumbled.

“Honey!” said Mom. “You can be so harsh sometimes. I’m sure they’ll be fine. Won’t you, kids?”

“Of course,” Danielle said, shooting me a threatening glance when she was sure Mom and Dad weren’t looking.

“Good,” Dad said. “The last thing I want is the neighbors talking because there’s a wild party going on here all night. Or because you get taken in for underage drinking. Or because you –” here he points at Danielle “– get knocked up with some rando’s baby.”

“Dad!” Danielle screamed. “What the hell!”

“I’m just saying,” said Dad. “Or you, August, getting some poor lady pregnant. Both would be equally bad. Imagine what the Valentinas next door would say.”

Mom rolled her eyes at this. “You’re more worried about other peoples’ opinions than our teenage daughter is, dear,” she said.

“I’m just saying,” Dad told us. “Be on your best behavior, okay?”

“Oh, don’t worry,” said Danielle. “Have a good trip! I’ll make sure big bro-bro doesn’t chug your bottle of fancy whiskey and puke all over the lawn!”

“Shut up, Stupidbutt,” I said. “You’re the one who can’t handle her booze. Remember when you sneaked that Mike’s Hard at the family reunion last year and ended up passed out in the gazebo?”

“Oh, is that the same family reunion where you were hitting on Cousin Leah?” asked Danielle. “Pervert.”

“I was not hitting on Leah!” I protested. “She just needed help zipping up her dress, and as a gentleman –“

“August is a pervert!” Danielle shouted in a singsong voice. “August is a pervert! August is a pervert!”

Mom rolled her eyes. “I’m not going to miss this,” she said. “Try not to tear each other apart while we’re gone, okay? Blood stains are hard to clean up. Bye, kids!”

We waved halfheartedly until Mom and Dad entered their car and pulled out of the driveway. For a whole twenty-four hours, Danielle and I were on our own. No parents, no supervision, and total freedom. In theory, it was the perfect opportunity to do whatever we wanted without having to worry about their prying eyes.

Too bad we hated each others’ guts.

*

I spent that late afternoon and early evening on Tinder and Hinge, furiously swiping. I wanted more than anything to find someone to ask on a date, so on the off-chance that Brett actually showed up and wanted to get it on with my sister, I’d be as far away as possible. (Also, I was horny.) But no luck. While I did get a couple of matches, I was too shy to message them about tonight — I was afraid of coming off as too forward, and I’m not known for my bravery at the best of times. I’ve only dated one girl, Jessica, who I went to high school with; she broke up with me a few months ago because she said our relationship had gotten stale, and she was probably right. It’s not that I’m a total loser. People tell me I’m handsome — six feet tall, thin but muscular, green eyes and freckles that match my sister’s. I have a fair number of friends, and good career prospects — since middle school I’ve planning a future as a journalist, and this summer I’ve been working an as an intern at my local paper with the idea that after graduating from college I’ll go full time. My future is bright. So why am I so sad and alone?

“You need to get out there and live a little,” my roommate Tom had told me, just before both of us headed back to our respective hometowns for the summer. “You don’t have any control over how things turn out anyway, so may as well take risks. The next time you have any chance with a hot girl, just go for it, and think about the consequences later.”

“Said the guy who has a DUI, no job and a dozen pissed-off exes constantly causing drama,” I’d pointed out. “Excuse me if I prefer having a plan.”

“Yeah, well at least I’m happy,” Tom had said. “Can you say that about yourself?”

He had a point. I wasn’t happy; in fact, I was miserable. But that didn’t make it any easier to be brave.

Around 7, I got bored with the apps and figured I might as well get a good jerkoff session in. Pretty pathetic plan for a Friday night when my parents were gone, I know, but better than doing nothing artemisbet güvenilirmi at all. I sat down on my bed, pulled out my laptop and went straight to my favorite video, which featured a punky-looking red-haired girl getting nailed by a tall skinny guy. I unzipped my pants and began slowly stroking myself. That video ended fifteen minutes later, and the autoplay went to the next one, which was incest-themed and about a brother and sister. At first I thought about changing it — after all, gross! — but eventually decided against it. The actress was hot, and the way it seemed so risky was a real turn-on, especially since my life was so safe and mundane. Plus, fantasy was a totally different thing from reality. I wondered briefly if my little sister’s would-be lover boy had shown up yet, and if they were all over each other downstairs, but immediately banished the thought from my head, focusing on my porno. The last thing I needed was to think about my actual little sister actually having sex.

I was getting pretty close to cumming when I heard loud footsteps outside my door. As quickly as I could, I slammed my laptop shut and hid my fully-erect, eight-inch-long dick under the covers. I wasn’t a moment too soon: Danielle never bothered knocking. She threw my door open and burst in. She was now wearing a tight, ribbed red tank-top and a plaid skirt, accentuating her curvy, petite figure. Her lips were painted red, blush and eyeliner were really caked on over her face’s myriad freckles, and she smelled like some floral perfume that she’d obviously used too much of. I’d never seen my normally-tomboyish little sister look so feminine. She was obviously trying to make herself as sexy as possible for her little crush, but the sight of my Stupidbutt dressed like the slutty girls at college parties made me want to barf.

“Man,” I said, staring at her up and down, “you’re really pulling out all the stops tonight, aren’t you?”

Danielle sighed deeply and pouted. “Brett isn’t coming over after all!” she whined, flomping down on the bed next to me, maybe a foot from where my naked lower half and frustratingly still-erect cock were covered by my quilt. “I texted him five minutes ago because I was getting worried that he was late, and he responded by saying that he barely remembered making that plan!”

“Wow,” I said, not really trying to hide my sarcasm. “Who could have seen that coming?”

“Shut the fuck up, big bro-bro,” Danielle said, smacking me in the shoulder. But both the hit and her voice lacked her usual viciousness. She really must be feeling down, I realized. I’d never really thought about how my sister, despite being an obnoxious brat and a huge weirdo, was also a human woman, capable of love and lust and heartbreaking the same as anyone, and felt a tiny pang of empathy.

“What’s the matter with me?” she asked, talking to herself as much as anyone. “I really wanted to get a boyfriend and lose my virginity before going off to college in a couple months. Why can’t I do even that?”

Because you aren’t anywhere near hot enough to justify your amount of crazy, is what I thought in response. Last time Danielle had a crush on someone and he told her that he just wanted to be friends, she put a scorpion in his locker. The time she made out with her co-star in the high-school play, she kept talking about how she hoped they would get married someday. But no matter how much I hated my little sister, I wasn’t going to tell her that. What’s that saying about poking a bear?

“Stupidbutt, you’re eighteen,” I said instead, shifting my position slightly, which unfortunately made my erection more obvious. Quickly, I grabbed my laptop and set it on top. “You’ve got your whole life ahead of you. Don’t worry about what some high-school fuckboy thinks.”

“You know, I want a family someday,” Danielle said, laying down next to me. “And kids. I’m starting to wonder, if no one wants to fuck me, let alone be my boyfriend, how that’s ever going to happen. I think I’m going to be forever alone, just like you.”

The modicum of compassion I’d been feeling vanished into thin air. She couldn’t even go three sentences without insulting me. “Like me?” I demanded. “What the fuck are you talking about? I’m the one here who’s actually been in a relationship.”

“Sure, like one time, and now it’s over,” Danielle responded, grinning evilly at me. “Now you just spend all your time alone in your room, jacking off to porn. Don’t think I can’t hear you, big bro-bro. It’s pretty fucking disgusting.”

I felt embarrassed and angry and defensive all at once. She was just kidding, right? No way could she hear me, unless she was really listening closely. “You don’t know what you’re talking about, you little perv,” I shot back.

“Sure I do,” Danielle taunted, sitting up again and folding her arms. Her plaid skirt was now all bunched up around her waist, and I could see almost all the way up her legs as a result. Was she not wearing any panties now? Mega-gross. “You were just jerking it now, weren’t you? You make these weird groaning noises, it’s totally pathetic. You’re twenty-one, stop being such a pussy and go to the bar and try to get a girl that way, instead of slowly turning into some creepy shut-in who I’m embarrassed to call my sibling.”

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