Hard Love

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Telefon Numaram: 00237 8000 92 32

Ben Esra telefonda seni bosaltmami ister misin?
Telefon Numaram: 00237 8000 92 32

“For small creatures such as we the vastness is bearable only through love.” –Carl SaganDim, gray light shines through the window. The sky is ashen, with pregnant, swollen clouds. There’s a slight chill in the air. It’s going to rain any moment. Spring is definitely here. I grab my sweater from the chair next to mine and drape it across my shoulders, wrapping my hands around the large mug of steaming Cafe Vienna I have in front of me on my desk. I blow on the hot liquid softly and take a cautious sip, letting the rich, heady sweetness linger on my tongue.I need to write today, but my thoughts keep traveling elsewhere.Sighing, I open up a new tab on my computer, giving in to the impulse to stray from my work. I open up my Facebook page and begin to scroll through my news feed.My best friend Simone has written a post that makes me halt. “If you love hard,” it reads in big letters, “you should stay single.”Hmm, I think to myself. To say that I love hard is the understatement of the year.I’ll tell you a little about myself.My name is Tammy Stone. I’m 32 years old, and I earn a living ghostwriting romance novels. For some reason, I’m really good at what I do.Maybe it’s because love was all I ever wanted in life. My parents divorced when I was six years old. I never saw my father again after that, and my mother never remarried. When I was a teenager, my mom developed Parkinson’s disease; and somehow, over the years of my adulthood, I just remained with her in order to take care of her. So I lived a pretty sheltered life, at least up until the point she passed away.But I always craved to find the ultimate love relationship. And for some reason, I could never find it. But I fell in love, deeply, and way too often, and way too easily. And I’m the type of person who loves with everything in her, every fiber and cell of my being, with my heart and body and soul.And there’s another thing. It’s something I feel reluctant and embarrassed to talk about. But I suppose I should be completely honest. At sixteen years old, I was diagnosed with a chemical bahis siteleri imbalance, and major depressive disorder. I’ve always been prone to being melancholy, and because of my disorder, I’ve always felt different from other people, and somewhat disconnected.I decide to instant message Simone.“So,” I write. “You think people who love hard should stay single?”“Yes, definitely,” she responds in less than a minute. “You’re a prime candidate for this, Tammy. You need to learn to do YOU. Stay true to YOU.”“Maybe you’re right,” I write back. “Maybe it’s time I give up on this love B.S. I mean, it hasn’t worked out for me my whole life.”“Hey,” Simone texts me. “There’s an event coming up in the pagan society. They’re having a Beltane festival up at the river next weekend. You should come with us. Mac and I will be there, along with some pagan friends of mine. It could be the fresh start of your life as an independent woman who doesn’t need a relationship to be happy. And spring is all about change and renewal, you know.”“Beltane?” I ask.“You know, the pagan spring festival of rebirth and renewal and fertility? C’mon, Tam. I know you’ve heard me talk about it a lot.”Simone happens to be a pagan, and she worships a vast pantheon of gods and goddesses. Me, I’m still unsure as to my own spirituality and exactly what I believe in. I’ve been searching all my life for answers, but nothing has ever really stuck.“Okay,” I write back. “I’ll go.” Why not? I think. It’s not like I have anything better to do. And besides, I think Simone is right. I’m going to become a new person. For the first time in my life, I’m going to stop searching and hoping for love. I’m a strong and independent woman, and I don’t need a relationship to be happy. I can have a new, satisfying adventure all on my own.*“Just be prepared,” Simone tells me as she’s leading me to the campsite. We pass by lines of parked cars. “Prepared for what?” I ask.We walk into a small clearing. A woman with long, braided hair is seated upon a large rock, talking animatedly to a man canlı bahis siteleri who stands beside her. And the woman just happens to be topless, while the man is stark naked.Simone says flatly, a mischievous grin on her face, “That.”I had somehow forgotten that Beltane is the pagan spring holiday for fertility and welcoming in summer. It also involves matchmaking and marriages. And a lot of people like to go nude for the celebration. We walk past the two people in conversation. They halt briefly and bid us a warm, “Hello!” Simone and I greet them back; I try to keep eye contact with the pair and don’t look down. “Um,” I say to Simone as we continue on our journey, our back-packs hoisted on our shoulders. “Is it required that I get naked?”“No,” she laughs. “Nobody has to walk around without clothes if they don’t want to. Nudity is not a requirement to celebrate the festivities.”“Whew!” I breathe in relief.I happen to be really self-conscious about my body. I’m overweight, definitely what you would call plump. I’ve been working on it for a long time, but I haven’t made much progress. It’s still daylight. Beltane is a fire festival, and bonfires will be lit when darkness comes. But people are celebrating, drinking Beltane punch, dancing around May poles, and having a wonderful time. We finally arrive at our spot in the campsite. Simone’s husband Mac is there, along with a small handful of their pagan friends. They all smile warmly at me. Mac approaches me and puts his arms around me. “It’s good to see you again, Tammy. I’m so glad Simone managed to convince you to come.”*Even though I’ve always craved love and to meet that special someone, and I enjoy being around my friends, I still deeply value my solitude and alone time.Maybe it’s because I’ve always felt so different from other people. But I know I have to get away, just for a while.“I’d like to see the river,” I say to Simone.“Okay,” she says. “I’ll go with you.””No, it’s alright,” I offer. “I’d like to be alone for a while. Just point me in the right direction and I’ll canlı bahis be on my way for a bit.”I’m following the path Simone has verbally laid out for me, breathing in the fresh air and feeling good about being in my own company for a while. Flowers are in bloom. The earth under my feet smells lush and sweet and fecund. After some moments, I find the river, and my breath catches in my throat. The spot is magical and enchanting, the water clear and breathtaking. Some nude swimmers are partaking of the refreshing-looking water. I decide to walk a bit further and find a secluded spot.I’ve always been drawn to water. Simone actually believes I’m a water nymph, as far as my true soul goes.Finding myself alone, I’m unable to resist the urge to try out those clear, inviting depths. Stripping to my bikini top and cut-off shorts, I let myself descend into the water inch by delicious inch.I’m swimming in utter bliss and contentment. A strange peace and sense of tranquility overcome me as I perform slow strokes. I say strange because peace of mind is somewhat elusive to me most of the time. The water is cool and perfect. Suddenly I detect a slight movement out of the corner of my eye. Whirling around, I see a man in the water seemingly just a few feet away from me. My first impulse is to scream, but I manage to hold myself in check. I can’t stop looking at the man. I soon realize that he happens to be the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen. He’s extremely tall, a bit lanky but with a pleasing hint of muscle definition. His beard and dark, ear-length, curly hair glisten with wetness in the sunlight. I can’t explain why, but I feel immediately and intensely drawn to this man. I’m painfully shy, but I hear myself speak slowly, a slight tremor in my voice. “H-hi,” I say to him. He turns to look at me. It’s like he’s noticed me for the first time. “Oh, hello. I didn’t know someone else was swimming besides myself. How do you do?”I find myself amused by his archaic choice of words. “I’m good, thanks for asking. Um, my name is Tammy. Tammy Stone. It’s nice to meet you.””The pleasure is all mine. I’m Joshua. Joshua Jacobson.”I try to focus on my swim strokes, but it feels like all I want to do is talk to Joshua. After a few moments, I find myself giving in to my impulses.

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