Santa-lytics

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Author’s note: As part of the Pastiches de Oggbashan story event, this story is in honor of Literotica member, prolific author, and Author’s Hangout participant and community leader extraordinaire, Oggbashan, “Ogg” affectionately for short. (Ogg has shared his story with us, and is courageously facing end-of-life from a combination of advanced age plus the scourge of Cancer.)

This story is inspired by his story “Genie.” My story is a fun fantasy, loosely related to Genie, and blending magic, folklore, religion, humor, computer science, and sci-fi into one. Like so many of Ogg’s works, this has some elements that not everybody will like, including: irreverent (but not disrespectful) humor pertaining to God and Religion, historical elements (not as well researched or accurate as Ogg’s would be), voyeurism, moral ambiguity, and female empowerment. It’s all in good fun. Please enjoy.

***

Santa snuck downstairs after his wife fell asleep. He got out his VPN token device to safely log into work, and opened the database query tool.

“Select * from Naughty.dbo.People Inner Join Naughty.dbo.Behaviors B where B.BehaviorType = ‘Naughty’ and B.BehaviorCategory = ‘Sexual’ and B.NaughtyAct = ‘FFM’ and NA.ActDate > Now () – 1”

Let’s see who did an FFM since last night, he thought to himself. He really needed to port the queries so that he could run them on his inter-ocular display within his eyeball, rather than having to use his computer. But for now, this was safer from being detected by Mrs. Claus.

But let us back up a few steps. First of all, it is my duty to let you know that in fact, Santa is real. Logically, since Santa is tied closely to Christmas, Christianity, the day Jesus was born, and so on, that this means that so is God, and so is the Devil. All real. Angels. Demons. In fact, most aspects of religious and cultural folklore are based in fact, mostly due to a member of the spirit world making an error and being seen. So, the Incubus and the Succubus are real. So are Poltergeists and Vampires, although some of the finer details do get mixed up (vampires turn into mosquitos, not bats.) Even things not associated directly with western Christianity are interrelated. Genies, actually, are bad Elves who are being punished, most of the time for naughty sexual misbehaviors.

And everything in the spirit world is interconnected. For example, think of how similar God’s job (knowing who is a sinner) and Santa’s (knowing who’s naughty or nice) are. In fact, they are more intertwined than anyone would believe. They use the same database, in fact.

God of course, is right up there at the top, in charge of everything. The Devil, try as he might, is weaker, having spun off of God to try and start his own endeavor. Elves occasionally flip to being bad, sometimes all the way into joining up with the devil, but usually it’s just being naughty. The really naughty ones usually end up being put into Genie’s lamps for a few decades for a first major offense.

Which brings us back to the monitoring. Santa, God, and the Devil have full access to all behavior tracking tools. Lower ranking spirits might have access to a particular religion, perhaps to a particular family, or to an individual. Some might have aggregate level tracking, but not the ability to see individuals, while others might have no access at all unless summoned, and then they have access. That’s why a genie sees nothing at all, but once they are summoned, they know everything pertaining to the summoning person and their existence. So yes, there are all forms of security built in, things that simplistic IT people of today might view as advanced row or column level security, plus features they could only imagine.

“Oh wow!” Santa said to himself excitedly. US.Co.Denver.Brenda.107348 had another threesome! Santa felt a little guilty about this, but it was all in good fun. Brenda was his current infatuation. He found her irresistible, all the things he found attractive in a women. Smart, funny, sexy, and ok, naughty too. Very, very naughty. He monitored activity personally from time to time rather than counting on the auditor elves, pretending it was to stay current with the technology. Really, he just liked watching hot women. Usually lesbians, but when the whole “furry” craze started, he had to admit, he felt a kinship with them too. (Why do you think he has that fur trim on his outfit?

“Ok, video ID is 107878789987. Let’s have a looksie!” He said to himself excitedly. He kept meaning to have his elves implement a direct link to open up videos. He was tired of having to retype video ids.

“Oh, ho ho hoooo!” He chuckled. Santa knew that Brenda’s threesomes were generally with US.CO.Denver.Sally.87789, and they always were hot. And there she was, in a 69 with Sally, each of them licking the other’s clit so delicately. The sexy sounds emanating from both of them, the sight of each tongue so softly flicking the other’s clit made Santa’s heart flutter. With each mortal having three SiNaughty cams always watching, Santa erotik film izle had six cameras that he could control to zoom in on anything. The thought monitors, the impulse monitors, and the temperature and blood pressure sensors, always running, and the sexual intensity sexmonometer, with its sweeping beep sounds. He zoomed in on Sally’s tongue softly swirling Sally’s clit, panning just wide enough for a proper view of Brenda’s full pussy and ass.

Brenda could have multiple orgasms, whereas Sally was one of those who didn’t want to be touched any more after the first one. Just then, Brenda’s sexmonometer’s sound started swooping up in volume and pitch as her orgasm built. Santa chuckled at how back in the 1927, one of his elves forgot to activate the brain wave interceptor, which caused Leon Theremin to hear a sexmonometer going off. Next thing you know, he invented the Theremin, the electric device where the musician waves his hands over the poles and plays the sweeping infinitely varying tone that inspired almost all science fiction soundtracks through the 1960s. Brenda’s sexmonometer continued to rise, then started beeping when the sound reached it’s maximum volume, then started to sparkle as her orgasm reached it’s full intensity and her body tensed up for that moment.

“Ahh, now for the real life part,” Santa smiled, as Brenda and Sally repositioned themselves. In real life, when it’s not porn for men to jack off to, Lesbian sex is a far more beautiful thing and less of a spectator sport. Sally laid back, and Brenda gently slipped her fingers into Sally, turned her wrist just the way she knew, and started the orgasm inducing fingering that worked on Sally. It was really an act of beauty and love, even if it was sometimes fifteen to thirty human-minutes to achieve. Santa watched the entire thing, and at about minute thirteen, he heard Sally’s sexmonometer volume, almost imperceptible at first start to make it’s sounds. Santa adjusted the volume, because Sally was also a screamer, so he wanted to blend the sounds of Sally’s screaming with the sexmonometer relaying her body sensations. Sally came in a fast arriving crescendo of screams and the tingling and extended sounds of her sexmonometer going off.

Santa felt guilty. He knew if he got caught by the elf community, there would be hell to pay. It was almost unheard of for someone as high ranking as Santa to be embroiled in scandal. He imagined being locked up in a Genie’s lamp for a few thousand years. He saw it happen before, a good friend of his was not only put into a Genie’s lamp, he was put in a Genie’s lamp inside a chest, inside the hold of a ship that had sunk to the bottom of the ocean. Thankfully, rank has its privileges. Santa knew he could get away up to a certain point.

In the good old days, people just accepted that he knew who was naughty or nice, and nobody asked how he came up with his list. Nowadays, and he holds Google totally responsible for this, everybody’s concerned about privacy and tracking. If they knew the levels of access he had. The three invisible-to-mortals SiNaughty (r) cameras surrounding every person from the moment they are born, used by God and Santa. The Thought-Tracker. The 24 by 7 pulse, blood pressure, and loin-twinge detector. The laugh-tracker. The pupil-dilation-tracker. How exactly did they think he knew who was naughty or nice? Or what people were thinking, even if they didn’t actually act on their thoughts? Santa was proud of his programmer-elves. Sure, they did it with a bit of magic as well as technology. And with the combined databases with heaven, hell, he had been working with cloud technology for thousands of years. Literally, in the clouds.

He opened up the Gifts application database and directly typed in cordless Magic Wands for both Brenda and Sally. No going through the application itself, he had to type right into the database to bypass application level logging. Imagine if the elves found out he was actually rewarding people for being on the naughty list. He fired up the log-cleaner program he wrote, that went through a seven-step process to insure that any trace of his altering the database would be undiscoverable.

He knew Brenda and Sally really preferred one another. Humoring Brenda’s husband into participating was just their excuse to get together. Since this was a recording, Santa watched them in their 69 oriented foreplay for a bit, then fast-forwarded it to see if they did any ass licking. He had a thing for that. He could flip which of the SiNaughtys to look through, since each human had three. Luckily, there was. They generally did it when they were toward the end of their session, like good healthy people do.

“Oh boyoboyoboy!” Santa thought to himself. His very favorite was the “full nelson” like positioning, where Brenda, on her back, would curl upwards, positioning her torso upwards into the air, with her knees pulled up to her shoulders, resting partly on Sally’s chest, who provided the support and balance, as she tipped her head downward to lightly lick and probe Brenda’s asshole. film izle Santa was glad they liked this position, because it gave Brenda easy access to slip her fingers into her pussy and masturbate while receiving a passionate ass licking, but for a voyeur, it’s sheer heaven, since it’s the ultimate full on-display position, a tongue in an asshole and a sexy finger slipping in and out of a pussy at lightning speed, wide open for the cameras to see. Again, the sexmonometer went crazy, but at the same time, Sally’s did too! Santa had been so focused on watching Brenda’s pussy and ass, he didn’t even notice that Sally had taken one hand and was fingering herself too. In parallel, both women built themselves into massive orgasms, Sally uncharacteristically having a second one. That was a video to remember, Santa thought to himself. Santa copy/pasted the video ID into his secret favorites list. This was a keeper!

***

Santa played on the computer for a while. He looked up a tax return and chuckled to himself. “Wow, both cheating on taxes AND lying about being a billionaire?” he laughed. He popped up another. “Whoa, he DID have sex with that woman.” But everybody knew that anyway. Then there was that other person lying about the meaning of “boof”? One thing about Santa, he was equal opportunity, didn’t pick sides. All of those clowns made the naughty list before age four.

***

Still in the mood for more, Santa entered a new query; show all naughty acts involving Brenda. He tended to only look up her FFM threesomes; he knew sometimes he might miss others. His pulse rate doubled. Oh my god! Anal? Brenda? Sweet little Brenda? Thursday last week? This was amazing. Brenda had never done anal. Santa couldn’t believe his eyes. He made three typos as he punched in the video ID nervously. Hurry, hurry! The video came up. Fast forward. Who the hell is that getting to fuck Brenda’s ass?

Rotate. Oh my god, a glistening lubricated dick gliding in and out of Brenda’s ass? Let me look at her face… Split screen! Oh my god, her face in one pane and the dick going in and out of her ass on the same split screen. When did this happen to his Brenda? He knew he was going to have to check through all her communication logs, the Conversations table, the Emails table, and the TextMessages table. He had dreamed of Brenda doing anal, but after following her for months, he assumed she just wasn’t into it, even though the ThoughtTracker had indicated she fantasized about it now and then.

Santa panned out a bit and moved one of Brenda’s SiNaughty cameras out for a panoramic view. Of course! There was Sally watching, standing just to the side.

Santa hovered his finger-wave magic pointer over the man who was getting to fuck Brenda’s ass, causing the man’s information to show up on the screen. Sally’s brother, actually, was the fortunate soul with his dick up her ass. ” Kinky!” Santa said, nodding in a state of being impressed.

Then it got even crazier! The brother’s sexmonometer went off, except in his case it came very suddenly, from just the normal background hum, to within just a few seconds full volume and intensity, beeping then sparkling, as he pulled himself out of Brenda’s ass and pumped his cock a few times before spurting blast after blast all over Brenda’s back, all three of them landing nicely, making long streaks of pearly white cum from Brenda’s ass cheeks and up her back all the way to her shoulders.

And to top it all off, Sally started rubbing the cum into Brenda’s back, smearing it all over her, with both hands. Without removing her right hand, Sally looked directly into her brother’s eyes, and popped her index and middle finger right into her mouth, and sucked his cum off of her fingers.

It suddenly turned into a very sensual back rub, using the brother’s cum for the lubrication. Brenda moved down into a lying down position as Sally leaned forward to rub her back. Bent over like that, the brother apparently couldn’t resist, and he walked behind her, crouched to his knees, and reached up, gently opened Sally’s ass cheeks apart, and proceeded to lick her adorable little asshole. Santa couldn’t believe his eyes. So he rewound and watched again.

Santa reopened the Gifts table database again, and added warming KY to Brenda’s gift list.

Santa undid his zipper, and rewound yet again, to the dick gliding in and out of Brenda’s ass. Seeing Brenda doing anal was a bit much. He started pumping his cock, and realized he was going to have to decide whether to bring himself to his own orgasm, or find some action. It was a tough decision, but he gestured to rewind the video again to the dick in Brenda’s ass. No self-gratification this night, Santa needed some ass.

***

If Santa felt guilty about spying on Brenda, he was really conflicted about what he was about to do next; using his database for real acts. But sometimes, if things went well, he would find something good.

“Select * from Naughty.dbo.People Inner Join Naughty.dbo.Behaviors B where B.BehaviorType = ‘Naughty’ and B.BehaviorCategory seks filmi izle = ‘Sexual’ and Status = ‘In Progress’ and B.NaughtyActText like ‘%Santa%Outfit%’

There were 123 acts happening throughout the world involving Santa outfits. Santa revised the query, to filter on Redheads, people who still believed in him, and why not, he said to himself, with past NaughtyActs including Anal. Damn that Brenda.

Santa had expected his filter to be too specific, but lo and behold, there were two acts currently in progress. RU.Moscow.Tatianna.323324, and AU.Sydney.Rhonda.433783 in Sydney Australia, both currently in a ‘Masturbation’ act. As luck would have it, both women were just the type that Santa found most attractive. Red-Headed-Rhonda and Tantalizing-‘Titty-anna’, he joked to himself. It was going to be a good night. Santa gave some thought to visiting them both in one night; he was in a bit of a mood after seeing Brenda doing anal.

Santa shook his head. “This is wrong, so wrong”, he kept saying to himself as he snuck out to the garage. He and Mrs. Clause generally drove one-reindeer sleighs back and forth to work each day, other than Christmas night. Each night, they used a different reindeer so the reindeer didn’t feel left out.

Appropriately, he chuckled to himself, it was Vixen tonight. He told Prancer, who had guided his wife’s sleigh, to be quiet, and he snuck out the barn quietly.

Magically, he was outside Rhonda’s window instantly. A little known secret, Santa uses wormholes to get to all houses in the world in a single night. So Santa, has had computers forever, knows about wormholes, the boson particle, and things that humans won’t discover for thousands of years like jsmiamite.

The portable monitor doesn’t work in the wormhole, so it wasn’t until he arrived instantly at Rhonda’s that he saw Satan in there, already fucking her in the ass. “God damn mother fucker shit fucking ass fart butt shit booger hell!” Santa spewed out angrily. Between himself, God, and Satan, a.k.a. the three Amigos, there was a bit of a rivalry. And Satan always seemed to get to the women Santa planned on fucking first. As he looked at the monitor, that bastard Satan looked right into the viewfinder and winked at Santa. And gave the fake motion of holding his hand like an imaginary gun, pointing it into the camera, firing, then pointing the finger-barrel up to the sky and blowing the gunsmoke away. “That Fuckin’ bastard!” Santa blustered angrily. Yet he begrudgingly had to respect Satan’s sense of humor too. Satan was single though, he could get out anytime, Santa had to limit himself to when Mrs. Claus was asleep.

God, believe it or not, also had a very refined sense of humor, and he was quite the practical joker himself. He was clean as a whistle, never did anything wrong or bad, but for a good couple centuries, every time Santa tried to be naughty, he’d look up a willing partner, be let in, and just when he thought he was about to get really lucky, the woman would turn into a clown, juggling bowling pins, on a unicycle, and would yell “Surpriiiiiise!” And it wouldn’t ever have been a woman, it would be God, and he would be laughing so hard, tears would come out of his eyes. Between God and Satan, there had been a time it wasn’t even worth trying. Once Satan got more powerful though, God got a little too busy for the practical jokes on a regular basis. Still though, Santa knew that at any moment, the juggling clown could show up.

Frustrated at missing out on Rhonda, Santa pulled up Tatianna’s location, and went to her house, just outside her window. He knew from past experience, it was best to let the women see the sleigh outside the window first. He made a little noise, and using his monitor, he watched Tatianna. He saw when she heard the noise, and he was thrilled that she walked over to the window to peer out naked.

She looked out the window and gasped. From her perspective, there was Santa Claus, magically floating outside her second story window. And he was real!

Santa waved. Tatianna waved back in disbelief. Santa bobbed his head toward the window as if to non-verbally say, “how about you open that window?” Santa could easily just pop in through the chimney, keyhole, dryer vent, plumbing vent stack, even through any crack in the caulk or gap between the door and door jam, but when it came to these late night visits, he knew it was proper protocol to be let in.

He could easily just magically go in and have all the sex he ever dreamed of, using the brain wave deflector to keep her from every waking up. But it was wrong, but also no fun compared to a live and actively willing participant. He knew it was him who caused the whole legend of the Incubus back 4500 years ago. And ultimately, he knew it was his elves sneaking out as well as Satan causing the myth to continue. But hey, without that perk, he’d have to pay his elves a lot more, so he had chosen to pretend he didn’t notice. They were so much more focused when they were gratified. Almost all the elves used their privileges for sex. And for stealing socks. Although it wasn’t true, that scourge of the spirit-world Elfbook had caused the elves to start believing that their hats were more magically powerful if they were made from a stolen sock.

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